Kaksha Baarvi

 Just like Zakir bhai's Kaksha Gyarvi, lets talk about Kaksha Baarvi . Do you remember those days when after 7 hours of school in dog days, you returned home with a heavy school bag on your shoulders weighing heavier than you but lesser than the expectations from you, then you got fresh-n-up, took out your lunch box which had foil-made spoons in it as your mother forgot to give you one that day from you bag and as soon as you sat down to have lunch , the coaching van's horn sound echoed in the loo and you ran to the balcony and said "Bhaiya bas 5 minute"; you left that half eaten chapati on the plate and wore you shoes in haste to catch the van. As you ran down the stairs you mother shouted "Beta khana toh leja, van mei kha lena" which you ignored and just waved her a bye from the van's window.

Maximum of us were put into coaching in 11th standard, some in 9th standard and even a few in 6th class! We all burnt with the midnight oil to crack that one IIT/NEET exam after 12th. The only purpose of our life seemed to be getting into an IIT or a good government college. The stress, pressure, expectations , anxiety, depression we went through were the elephant in the room and nobody talked about them. While reading the newspaper we would flip that page where a coaching advertisement was printed with all the AIR holders. We longed to search for friends who were in the same boat like us i.e. with the same preparation status , elders who didn't go to IIT but are still earning well and relatives who consoled us "Ho jata h sbka kuch na kuch beta."

Those tests according to which batches were shuffled seemed like a fate's spin wheel game which we could never win at. Those discussions before the exam with the toppers made us lurk with fear but with friends gave us comfort that "Ise bhi kuch nhi aata." The colouring of bubbles in the OMR which felt joyous in 4-5th standard now felt irritating. The after-exam discussion were one which we ignored like our society ignores patriarchy. The period before getting the result was the most tough to pass as we knew we wouldn't score well and unlike Student Of the Year , our Jai Mata Di flukes won't turn into a miracle. Those sheets pinned on the board with the results seemed like a notice from Hitler to the Jews, never in our favour! 

Those 15-20 minutes break between continuous 4-5 hours lectures seemed nothing less than heaven on earth. Eating samosa, momos, maggi, etc. felt like we lived our whole life in just those few minutes. No samosa or maggi breaks now can ever feel so fulfilling like those did. The giggles and laughter we shared with our friends made us let slip all the exam tension and the pressure of fulfilling our elders' expectations. No stand-up comedy can make us laugh like those moments did. Abhishek Upmanyu's "Yeh hi baatein toh baad mei yaad aayengi" now hits really hard.

It's not like we didn't do hard work, we did but could never match with the prodigy students. The students whom we called Bookworms and envied them of having the capability of learning all the organic chemistry reactions in a day! We always thought they are not living their lives and will one day die studying only. These were the students who gave answers to questions in a jiffy , whereas we just ended up being confused "Itni jaldi kaise kra?" They were in every teacher's good books and every mediocre student's bad books or even Sath Khoon Maaf books. We sometimes asked for their help but never counted on them as friends, maybe we made them pay for being better than us in studies.

When the classes were finally over and we ran towards our van for getting the shotgun so that we could connect to aux cable and play our favorite playlist. It felt more victorious then getting good marks in weekly tests when all the people in the van liked your music and jammed together. It was like if the person on the shotgun seat had a breakup recently , he would play Arijit Singh's - Channa Mareya and everyone automatically went into a zone where they felt as if they had a breakup , even the ones who had never been in a relationship! And if the DJ of the car is in jolly mood that meant everyone is gonna grove on "Jeene Ke hai Char Din". The same van which felt burden in the afternoon , felt like the most amazing place in the evening.

The nights were the most tough to manage. Returning from coaching and now completing endless practical files, homework, coaching sheets, watching our favorite show, binge watching Sandeep Maheshwari motivation videos and mugging up the periodic table pasted on our room's wall.

Even after going through this 7AM-12PM non stop cycle for 2-4 years when we couldn't clear the IIT/NEET exam, life felt meaningless. We felt as if we had wasted all our parent's earnings, let our teachers and elders down, now we would never get into a good college , life is ruined ; basically we felt we are screwed. Relatives and neighbour aunties rather than asking "How are you?" asked "Result kaisa rha beta?" even after knowing the same already. Incessant taunts from our surrounding brain washed and we were made to believe we have done a huge blunder and now nothing can ever be right in life .We felt as if we didn't fail an exam but our  whole life! The constant sad faces of our parents made us even have suicidal thoughts. It's a bit typical but yes, only our pillow knows how many tears have rolled down our eyes in those torturous times.

We eventually somehow managed to get into a respectable private college which we initially thought as hell but now feels like Second Home! It's truly said by Jeetu Bhaiya in Kota Factory-"Bache kota se nikal jate hai, kota bacho se kbhi nhi nikalta"; in the same way the coaching is now imbibed in all of us and we sometimes even feel lost among people who aren't same as us. We still try to study for long hours as we did a few years back , we still feel we couldn't fulfil our own expectations , we still feel we are a burden on our family, we still feel our life is ruined!

But like Zakir Bhaiya said-

"Aisa zaroori thodi hai ki jo pathar tm maaro usse aam toote hi toote, 

aakhir kuch koshishein tyari ke liye bhi hoti hai.

Dil chota nhi karte bhole, koi baat nahi, fir khade hongey , fir ladengey. "